15 months and other updates

Well, it feels like forever since I’ve caught up. The time just gets more sparse as our two whirlwinds never slow down.

Our sweet lovelies are fifteen months old and have not stopped moving. They both started walking a couple months ago and are constantly on the move. Both with big personalities and a lot of feelings. They whine, a lot, now, but they’re learning more words and hopefully trying to communicate more effectively as the days go on. We’ve had them both in daycare throughout the whole COVID mess and are so thankful for our daycare who has stayed open and taken extra precautions so that we can continue to work as an “essential” business.

Staying true to what this blog first began as, we wanted to share our most recent updates as well. On St. Patrick’s day this year, the day before the American reproductive association called for a halt on fertility treatments, we transferred our last two embryos. Hopeful and scared, we awaited what could turn our family into a family of six. Since it was a frozen transfer (not triggered with HCG), I could test all the way through. I got a positive pregnancy test on day 6, and 7, and 8. On day 8, the test seemed lighter than the day before. Then I stopped testing and waited for my blood test. It was a drive through blood draw; done in the car as I was trying to calm my crying babies. The results came quickly – HCG did exist – I was “pregnant,” but not enough. The HCG test two days later declined and our remaining hope disappeared like a forgotten balloon into the sky.

Yes, it is different this time. Yes, I have my babies. But, I mourn for what would have been. Younger siblings for my sweet twins and more life to our household. It may hurt a little less, but the pain, yearning, and frustration are still there. Then, I waited for my cycle to begin. It did, finally and we continued on with our lives raising these two little whipper snappers.

Fast forward 4.5 weeks later to where I realize I’m late. Throughout all of this, once I have one cycle after my transfers, I go back to regularity. I had also started to have more pain in my left side. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test, hoping for the “impossible,” but did not achieve a positive result. At 10 days late, I called my OBGYN. They seemed unconcerned and disinterested, told me they could get me in a month later and told me to call my RE, so I did. They got me in to see them three days later.

After waiting in the car, masked and subject to a menagerie of screenings, I was allowed up and was able to feel a piece of calm. The place where I’ve been so much over the past four years, i knew I was in good hands. Still hoping for the impossible, I hiked up my skirt, laid back and waited for the ultrasound to determine my fate. The ultrasound went on for a while, they measured some masses on both ovaries, then did a manual exam. I had surmised (with confirmation) that there was no miracle and the situation being diagnosed was different. The endometriosis has progressed yet again and it is impeding all of my downstairs. The mass on my left ovary is in between a tangerine and a navel orange and it is slowly eating into my rectum. I don’t recall feeling the pain I felt after that exam ever, in my 33ish years.

So, the inevitable conversation: first thing’s first, the selfish edition. Nope, I don’t need to worry about my extra curricular activities (read: wine, lots of it), because it’s very, very, very unlikely to ever achieve pregnancy on my own. Secondly, doctor considers it a miracle that I have the babies I do. If he were to guess prior, it wouldn’t have been a success. So, what do I want to do? I’m 32, I’ll be 33 in a week. Do I want to go through 5 more attempts at cycles to maybe get a baby? I’ll spare you the financial cost, but it’s great. The emotional cost is even more. So, no. I don’t see that happening. But am I ready to have a hysterectomy at 33? And end my chances forever? The pain would likely be excised when coupled with an endometriosis removing surgery, as well – it’s much less likely to return with a full hysterectomy. I could also just have the surgery I had previously to excise as much endometriosis as possible and then go from there. Pros: I’m aware of this surgery, went back to work the day after, leaves the future “open.”

Option 3. Do nothing. Nothing looks cancerous. I can/have dealt with the pain for this long. Wait it out for the time being. I’ll likely go through menopause before I’m 40 due to the decreased ovarian reserve (which is aided in double time with all my egg retrievals), so I’ll have to deal with all this sometime. My doctor – bless him – gave me the speech that “my pain is real” and that he would also be okay with prescribing coping mechanism in the meantime.

For now, I’ll pop some ibuprofen and have some wine and we’ll go from there. I have no answers, only questions at this point, but that’s okay.

Hope all of you are staying safe and healthy throughout this pandemic. We wish you lots of love and hugs!