Life. It goes on…. (5/13)

Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep striving to be better than you are. Every day I wake up, I give myself a little pep talk. Each day, I get the opportunity to have the best day of my life. I can be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, and leader. Some days are filled with self-doubt and others are filled with inspiration. The circumstances are not always within my control, but my reactions (for the most part, save some margin of error for these damn hormones) are.

Started birth control today for what will be the start of a grueling, emotional, and [even more excessively] expensive year.  I’ve spent a lot of time talking to my doctor and explaining what I want. I don’t want to talk about donor eggs ever again unless I bring it up. I know their job and understand my reality. We will be proceeding with our first egg retrieval in June, followed by an egg retrieval in August, followed by an egg retrieval in October and December, I think. 

This plan will all depends on various things. Unfortunately, one of the most frustrating things about this process is that I can’t control my body, so this can (and likely will) change as we see how I’m responding.  

We’re going to PGS test the babies. I really don’t want to, for irrational reasons, but know it’s the only way to discern if there’s a fighting chance. Since I’ve been on stims four different times, resulting in just two embryos who made it to transfer, there’s a chance that we could have zero “normal” embryos. This could be a different type of heartbreak over and over again. 

There’s also cost. PGS testing is “only” an additional $5,000-$8,000 for 8 embryos. That being said, that is when all embryos are tested at the same time. Unfortunately, I don’t think the places are willing to test several batches (until I get to 8, even if it takes 6 retrievals) for the same fee, so this will get pricey quickly. I’m still in discussions regarding this, so we shall see.   

I don’t really remember what it’s like to be myself, without an influx of hormones. It’s been exactly 10 days that I’ve had a break and I’m starting today to reinvigorate my body with them. 

I love challenges and understand that nothing worth having is easy. I just wish there was a guarantee. But, if there’s one thing that life teaches us, it’s that wishing doesn’t make it so.

Even knowing that will never keep me from dreaming.

All my love.