The Waiting Game

Waiting has never been my strong suit.  So, I’ve got two more sleeps until my test and man, it’s tough.  I don’t feel pregnant.  I’m not “giving up hope” or “not putting enough positive energy into it” or whatever else, but I feel fairly confident that I’m not pregnant and there is nothing hope or energy will do to turn that around.

I’m trying to think rationally and decide how to go forward from here. As of now, I think I’ve decided to take in a piece of paper with all my questions for the future at the time of my blood draw.  Since it will be a 40 second appointment, followed by a call, I won’t have a lot of time to ask questions.  If the call is negative, regardless of my preparation, I won’t be in the question asking mood as I try to mask the devastation.

So far, my list of questions is as follows:

• Possible changes to medication protocol
  • HGH?
  • Different FSH – does it matter?
  • Am I maxed out on FSH quantity?
• Banking cycles.  I’d like (I think) to do two or three egg retrievals back to back (since I’m not getting any younger) to try to get as many embryos as we can frozen.
• PGS Testing.  At some point, I might write more about this and my feelings, but it’s really the only way to find out if I’m fighting a futile battle.
• Surgery – Should we do it ASAP? Pros/Cons?

I also want to write my feelings to them on:

• Getting a second opinion. After reading and talking to people, I’m not really sure a second opinion would do much. I’m not being ignorant and know that “it never hurts,” but most of what I’ve seen doesn’t differ in protocol. For the clinics with the highest success rates, they mandate PGS testing which makes sense as to why their success rates are inflated over other places.
• Egg donation. I don’t want to discuss it at the moment. So, if they’re unwilling to proceed, then I need to know.

I’m open to suggestions on other things to discuss.

Hopefully, this is all for naught and I can tell J that for our 4 year anniversary, I got him a baby (with his help and our life savings), but I’d rather prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  I don’t think I’m prepared for the feelings that will occur, but I suppose I’ll deal either way.  After all, the one thing that remains consistent is that life goes on. Until you’re dead.

Words of positivity and light brought to you today by me.

XXOX!