I’m hoping that the hospitality of my uterus is a bit more under my control than my body’s willingness to create massive amounts of eggs. I caught an episode of Friends the other evening as I was doing my chores and it was the episode where Monica and Chandler found out they couldn’t have kids.
I remember thinking in detail about this. I was 15 when the episode came out and though I made infertility jokes, it’s hard not to believe at that age that you find a suitable mate, have sex, and get pregnant. In fact, subconsciously, I’m sure part of the reason I waited to have sex was due to the eternal irrational logic that every teen magazine stated- it is more likely to get pregnant your first time and sperm can live for indefinite periods of time, so you don’t need to be ovulating at the time of intercourse. I read enough biology textbook excerpts and research to know better, but man, fear tactics are a mother fucker.
So, I waited for a suitable mate prior to giving up my flower (another Friends reference; I certainly don’t speak this way). 12 years later, here we are, working on creating the best possible home for our babies (turns out it’s not that easy). So, to freshen up a uterus, you can’t dust, mop, and paint, so what do you do?
- Cut out blood constricting habits (makes sense)
- Eat as though you’re pregnant (makes sense)
- Eat FRESH foods (makes sense)
- Avoid all stress (hmmm)
- Eat pineapple core (bromelain is a natural anti-inflammatory)
- Drink pomegranate juice (increases blood flow to uterus and promotes lining)
- Eat Brazil nuts (selenium is helpful in thickening uterine wall)
- Don’t let your feet get cold (feet directly connected to uterus)
- Don’t breathe air with contaminants (bad for you)
- If you find your heart rate rise 10 beats over resting, remove yourself from the situation and recenter. (Too much stress)
- Get acupuncture 2x daily. (Shameless plug for money and helps relax and recenter, among other things)
- Rid your life of scents (smell your trash more)
- Don’t get mad. At anyone. (Stress, babies don’t like mad people)
- Laugh, but not hard enough to contract your uterus (like a golf laugh!!???)
- Knock three times on the ceiling (this shit is getting ridiculous)
And what are you looking for?
- Look for a tri-laminar appearance in the ultrasounds.
- Look for smooth contours.
- Good blood flow.
- Thick lining (7mm +)
- Optimal hormone levels
So, those are just an example of what you find going down a rabbit hole of how to have a better uterus. Reading it stresses me out AND makes my heart rate rise to 10 beats over resting. 🤦🏼♀️
For now, I’ve been enjoying doing my shots again and taking all my pills. I see why people get pill boxes!
Zeppelin Wiggles says hello!!