Buckle up, it’s a long one.

I woke up this morning at the late hour of 4:15 or so and could not go back to sleep. Normally, I’d go into work, but since my appointment was early this morning, I browsed my phone while listening to the cacophony of J and Zeppelin’s snores.  Something about this process is that it is all-consuming.  So, if I’m aimlessly browsing, more than likely, I will be looking at blogs, information, stories, studies, etc., regarding in[fertility].

This morning, I stumbled upon the blog Don’t Count Your Eggs.  This lead me to the documentary that this author made with her husband – One More Shot.  You can find it on Netflix, if you care to watch.  So, I started that at 4:50 or so and proceeded to cry hysterically while watching until J woke up. I ended up having to pause it to get ready for work/the appointment, but it certainly was an emotional start to the day. It’s about a couple going through the different options, starting with IVF.  It’s funny because some of the experiences are so incredibly similar to the ones I’ve had; not just the situations, but some of the conversations with the doctor.  It makes me think that they have some type of weird script or some underground dark net infertility improv group.  I’d be interested in getting tickets.

It’s so hard to trust my body, at this point. I don’t know if what I feel is real and it’s hard to be observant when I’m second or third guessing everything that happens. But this morning, I thought I felt bloated, like you’re supposed to feel, when you actually grow a decent number of eggs. I told J, but immediately was fearful that I had even spoken.

The appointment this morning wasn’t great, in my opinion. The big follicle was still present and there were 4-5 follicles (total) still growing, though still not large enough to talk about a transfer in the next couple days. I can always tell how off track I am from everyone else by when my appointments are scheduled. I usually request the first appointment which is either 7:15 or 7:30, but it will have to be pushed if there are egg retrievals or transfers occurring that day.  I was devastated. I can’t explain why, exactly, because I suppose it was premature.  I think the expectation of “doing better” this time and again, the fear that I might not get to retrieval.  Then, if I get to retrieval again, will any eggs be mature? Will they fertilize? Will they divide? Will they survive to transfer? Then…. after we get through all of that, will they stick? They told me to calm down and we would wait for the blood work to guide us for what to do next.

So, like a completely normal, stable person who has a perfectly balanced level of hormones in them, I spent most of the morning sniffling occasionally.  But, there’s too much to do to worry about waiting, so that’s nice. Finally, I got the call. The blood work looked really good and they wanted me to know they were “really impressed” with my estrogen levels.  They may have been pacifying me like a 5 year old scared of kindergarten, but I’ll take it. Nothing I’ve done fertility wise has been impressive at this point, so small victories will be celebrated. My estrogen is at 500, so it essentially doubled from Monday!  A little recap for everyone is below so you can see the progression of the previous cycle where I did get to egg retrieval and the current cycle.

This Cycle

Day 4 – 87
Day 7 – 260
Day 9 – 500

Last Cycle to Egg Retrieval 

Day 5 – 48
Day 9 – 260
Day 12 – 418
Day 14 – 700

So, do I feel good now? Yes, I think so. I feel happy in this moment and I’m trying to embrace my moment by moment feelings a bit more. In this process, you can go from happy to completely heartbroken in a matter of seconds, so I think it’s important to feel hopeful.  My progesterone was also staying low.  So… I have an appointment on Friday at 9:45 AM.  I will add a newish medicine tomorrow which is slightly different than the one I’ve taken thus far.  Then, on Friday, we will hopefully evaluate for a Sunday or Monday egg retrieval.  Worst case scenario – I don’t meet the minimum follicle requirement at that time and we’re stopped. Best case scenario – we proceed.  I assume, the retrieval would be Monday, so we would trigger on Saturday night.  That would mean two more days of stims (already did mine tonight) and then the trigger shot. I suppose I’ll get to quit my other shot to regulate my progesterone at that point as well.  Then, we will start doing progesterone supplements – both by injection and by vaginal suppository (like last time).

Both J and I are free on Sunday and Monday, so we certainly welcome an egg retrieval.   For now, I have to wait the long 36 hours to check on my follies (if you’re defining this in your head, please choose the third definition: a theatrical revue with glamorous female performers). I picture them dancing around, hopefully growing beautifully. I encourage them all the time and make J kiss them every day.

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time. – Winnie the Pooh.

All my love to all of you. Thanks for sharing with me in this.