Ocean on my mind (October 21)

It has been a hard couple of weeks. For those who say that the feelings come like waves, I’d say they’re correct in some way. Waves are more predictable, but feelings wash over you and overtake you in the same way.

As I’ve been trying to figure out where to go from here, sleep has not been consistent. I’m a worrier. No matter how much I can tell other people (and myself) that all worry does is prevent movement, it’s hard to control.

I’m scared of continuing to write this blog because I don’t want to bring other people on this journey again.  It is helpful as a way to update everyone, but it’s a lot of letting people in because I’m unable to update without including how I’m feeling. And how I’m feeling depends on the day, moment, and situation.  I started crying when I was cooking dinner the other night because I cooked too much food and didn’t have anyone else to feed.

I yearn so much for the day when I’m able to realize I haven’t taken a shower in days, feel helpless when my child cries, and hopefully get to experience everything – the challenges included – that a new mother does. I want to make lunches for my kids when they go to school, I want to miss work because I have to be home with my babies when they’re sick, I want to be so exhausted I can’t see straight because my baby is having trouble adjusting to a schedule.

So right now, I suppose I have to get started. I won’t feel comfortable proceeding on a different path toward being a mother unless we completely cross this bridge (of being able to conceive with Justin and I’s DNA). What does “completely cross the bridge” mean? I have no idea, but here’s hoping we get one step closer.

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