Expectations are the devil

So, another post that I haven’t had the heart to write. I apologize in advance that I have back to back terrible posts.

So, for all of you, I will start with something positive! J passed his big mortgage test and loves his new job. It’s funny to be able to discuss things with him and have him have a little bit more of a holistic understanding of what I do (even though we are in very different niches).  It has been incredible to have him at home all the time. For some ignorant reason, I didn’t think I would notice a difference, but we have been able to wake up together, I can make him breakfast and it’s just more of what I pictured in my head when I was younger!  We don’t read the paper together [yet], but it has just been lovely.

Flashback to last Thursday. We went in at 7:30 for a consultation after finding out that both embryos had not made it.  I was expecting to go over if we had the money to do this again, when we could do it, how we would adjust treatment, etc.  I am eternally thankful that J was able to be there for this. He had passed his test the day before and had a late start.  Spoiler alert: that’s not how the appointment went.

Disclaimer: I still have a TON of questions after this appointment.  I plan to set up a follow-up appointment with him, then possibly another doctor (in a different city, unfortunately for my convenience) to discuss this appointment and to answer some of the questions I have. We started first with talking about my surgery that I had (in February) to remove some of my endometriosis. We went back to the stage and the scoring of it and what that actually meant. Apparently, it was a good time for raw honesty.

So. They were concerned the first time with the meds due to how long it took my body to respond (and the overall lack of response after being on stims forever). They were even more concerned the second time because it’s extremely abnormal (I guess) with the quantity and my age, etc. They had a serious discussion on day 3 of the embryo growth about calling me in for a transfer at that moment because prior research (years ago) showed that embryos might have a better chance in the womb. Very few places do three day transfers anymore, because they usually aren’t successful, so they opted to wait until day 5.  Then, until day 7. Each passing day did not indicate anything better, unfortunately.  After finding the endometrioma during egg retrieval, they had more specific concerns.

Endometriosis does a lot of things.  Apparently, it causes pain, but since I’m constantly concerned about being weak (or I have a high pain tolerance), I just assume that everyone feels the same and I should suck it up.  With pain, I really don’t understand how I’m supposed to know if something is normal or not. It also establishes a toxic pelvic environment and at my stage, decreases the odds of a “natural pregnancy” to almost 0.  It also decreases the effectiveness of IVF, fairly significantly.  It can cause pelvic adhesions, but more specifically to me… my ovarian endometriomas can activate connective tissue in the ovary causing excessive male hormones (testosterone) to develop which compromises both egg quality and embryo development.  The PCOS diagnosis that still looms would contribute to this, as well. Above and beyond that, all my cysts have been chocolate cysts.  Sounds cool, but is super shitty. When chocolate cysts are removed, the surgeon has to cut through part of the normal ovary tissue to ensure removal. They try to avoid all bad parts, but inevitably the loss of a small ovary tissue will decrease the ovarian reserve.

Back to the appointment. The doctor says: If you demand to do IVF again, I will, but I think there’s little to no chance of it working due to your eggs.  I don’t know if I can explain to anyone who hasn’t been through this how destroying it is to hear.  Anyway, we had a small discussion about donor eggs as I’m sitting in a chair sobbing. J and I haven’t discussed the appointment since (though we might now that I’m writing about it).

I don’t know. See above about second opinion and not giving up on IVF. I don’t think I can yet. It’s so funny how life goes – I don’t think I could have ever predicted how bad I need to be a mother until I found out I couldn’t.  I know I would be a good mother. More than that, I know J would be the best father in the world and it breaks my heart into tiny little pieces knowing that I might never be able to provide that.

So, doctor said that if we did want to try again, we would try a different protocol (read: more $$) with HGH to stimulate me for a couple months, then some other methods to further suppress ovulation, then some MORE drugs to induce egg supply, etc.  I don’t know what we are going to do yet. I’m not into giving up as a whole, so I expect we will continue in some way.  The doctor suggested letting my body calm down for the next few months and reconvening in December, so we shall see.

Anyway, the good news that I mentioned several blogs back is that my bestie is moving closer! She’s moving to Chicago, so I’m going to visit her in two or three weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are direct flights from Columbia to Chicago, so it seems dangerously convenient.

XXOX.

Cheers & Love.