Losing what I didn’t have 

This has been awful for me to write and I’ve been avoiding it. But, the one consistent thing about life is that it goes on, regardless of how it feels.

On Monday, J decided not to go into work before the appointment so we could hang out at home for a bit in the morning. 

Long side note:I have found (after almost 12 years) that consistency, repetition, and specificity are all my friends when conveying what I perceive to be iron clad plans. I have a very hard time being late and not executing a plan that we’ve set out to do. I’m a little bit overhyping this point because all I’m talking about is the time we needed to leave our house.
Anyway, he went to crossfit and as soon as he returned home, I incessantly reminded him thy we had to leave by 10:50,  so there wasn’t time for anything but showering. I also reminded him they our babies wouldn’t like any intense smells, etc. I continued to review one paragraph of my instructions to ensure I was prepared as I should be.

• Medium to full bladder- check, I think!
• Blanket- check!
• Reading materials – check!
• Progesterone- check!

Then, I saw my phone ringing. I had missed a call previously, unbeknownst to me at the time, but was able to catch this one. I think anyone would know that receiving a call from the doctor minutes before leaving the house was not good news, and my heart sank immediately. I picked up the phone and M said “I don’t have good news for you.” I don’t know how I made it through the conversation effectively (I don’t think it was great) because I couldn’t breathe after it. 

My two babies were not going to be transferred, not then, and as was confirmed yesterday, not ever. The 10 cell one stopped growing at 12 cells and the 6 cell one never made it further. I didn’t know it was possible to be so completely heartbroken over 18 cells. Even as I write this, I can’t stop crying. It just sucks.
J and I have been grieving as we feel necessary, I think, and have an appointment in three hours to go over next steps. I don’t know what that means really. They probably want to know if we have any more money to continue, but I’ve got some questions as well.

I don’t understand why this process is so difficult for us, but I’m so thankful it’s not like this for everyone. It hurts that I have not yet been able to be a mother (to more than 6 & 12 cells) more than I ever would have thought possible. I am so happy to be able to spend time with my niece and nephew, as well as all of my friends’ children.

So. Hope lives.