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The slowest month ever and the words “at least”

I’ve been feeling uninspired, slightly.  To write more about things that aren’t related to my uterus feels like a betrayal of my blog. 😉 Anyway, that’s not true, I’ve just never spent a lot of time writing about things that are daily occurrences.  If you recall, I said that this process seemed to be going quickly.  I take that back. This feels like the longest six weeks ever and I’m counting down the days until I get to start injections again. Perhaps this feeling is exacerbated by spending time with my sweet new niece and my nephew, but whatever it is, I’m extremely impatient. It’s becoming clear to me, for the millionth time in my life, that patience is not my strong suit.

Assuming all goes well, I start injections again on 8/14. So, less than a week. Finally. I started writing this blog post three weeks ago, but apparently couldn’t find the right words to finish it. J and I just got back from a family reunion in Estes Park, CO.  Lots of things have been going on since I last wrote, so I’ll take this time to fill all you avid readers in on the enthralling events.

J’s sister had her sweet, sweet baby girl on July 16th and I could not be more in love (except with my nephew – it’s a forever tie).  I was fortunate enough to be traveling back from Kansas City (and seeing Kelly!!!) that Sunday when I got the call from my MIL.  She said that Jenna was in the hospital and things were progressing.  Obviously, my immediate thought is to go up to STL, but I don’t want to intrude (and I tend to be unintentionally intrusive sometimes).  About an hour later, shortly after J and I had arrived in Columbia, my MIL texted and said that Jenna would like for me to be there. Naturally, we left within five minutes.  We got to the hospital and I was lucky enough to spend some time with Jenna, her husband, and both of their mothers as she was laboring.  She was watching Shrek, which seemed fitting, as her sweet baby’s name is Fiona.

There was some cervical checking, lots of laughs, then a request for us to leave the room so she could push that sweet nugget through the birth canal.  I listened at the door as Jenna made no noise and pushed hard and fast to get that baby out.  Hearing the lungs of a new baby, one whom I love so much without even knowing, was one of the best experiences of my life.  We spent some time with them that evening, but then returned to Columbia so I could be at work the next day.  I’ve been lucky enough to be able to return to see them for two weekends.  It has been a joy to be able to {maybe} help relieve some of the incredible stress and pressure that I imagine you feel as a new mother and I have been cherishing the time with both Jenna and Fiona. There’s something that happens when you get to see someone so close to you transition into a new role in their life. It’s so incredibly powerful and beautiful. Jenna is so amazing and is slowly acclimating to the sleepless nights that seem to be synonymous with motherhood. Sweet Fiona is just beautiful and I’m so thankful to spend time with both of them.

I’ve also been so thankful to be able to spend time with my brother, sister-in-law, and sweet baby Arlo (my nephew).  We were able to all be in Kansas City together about a month ago where we enjoyed going to the Farmer’s Market and just hanging out together.  Then, last weekend, we were all in Estes Park for my family reunion. That was very special – I so enjoy spending time with them, cooking, conversating, and just enjoying their company. There are few occurrences in life where you feel truly “at home” and I always feel that way when I’m with them.  J and I did a lot of fun things whilst in Colorado as well. We went zip lining, hiked, and went horseback riding. Estes Park is one of my very favorite places in the entire world and it was nice to be able to share that, not only with my family, but with J, as well.

In the spirit of transition, J has accepted a new job with a company in Columbia. It’s the largest employer in the city and incidentally, is within the mortgage industry.  It definitely puts the need for a larger home on hold as we will no longer need a full office. This will be the first time that we have been employed in the same city since 2009, so it’s quite the change.  The mortgage part is funny – he is now studying to take the SAFE exam, an exam with which I am intimately familiar.  I keep telling him that I could definitely build a better training program than an online webinar, but I think I’m a bit too intense for him to take me up on it.

So, next Monday is when I should start my shots again and I’m really, really looking forward to it. It’s hard not to already feel a tinge of anxiety, but I’m trying. Hopefully, this time, I will get to the egg retrieval phase, at least.

At least. I “at least” myself at least ten times daily. At least I’m healthy. At least I’m not going through something more serious. At least I have a job. At least I have a warm, safe place to live. I was reading another blog this evening that pointed out the possible problems with saying at least.  I don’t think I ever realized that what I consider to be rationalizing myself out of a bad place could be hindering me from moving on.  Not allowing yourself to feel what you’re going through can be just as harmful as going through something worse.  So, I’m going to try to feel the good and the bad this time.  I can’t help having expectations because I want this so badly, so I can give myself a slight break for not feeling 100% okay all the time. I hope writing this helps me believe and enact this, so we shall see!

Cheers & Love.

XXO.

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