Guess what’s uncooperative?

Spoiler alert: it’s my reproductive system.

Warning: Not a positive post.

Disclaimer: Mom, I’m fine. I’m not in danger of going into a dark state and life goes on.

Today, I went for my first baseline ultrasound of what should have been my second try at attempting to get to the egg retrieval stage of IVF.  As I’ve stated previously, I felt fairly positive about this time around. Everyone keeps telling me that the reason I’m not pregnant is because I’m not putting enough positive energy toward it. Well, let me tell you, I put positive energy toward every single fucking thing in my life. Usually, enough for eight people to have a negative attitude and I can still outweigh it with sprinkles, sunshine, and rainbows. It’s not as though I truly have a negative attitude toward my reproductive activity, but I would also prefer to not be ignorant.

Anyway, I hate being let down. That’s why I prefer to have no expectations – people/events/whatever tend to not live up to them and disappointment sucks.

So, I went in, ready to get more meds and get super hopped up on estrogen and other hormone combos.  I was excited to do this and even more excited that my two week wait (TWW – after attempting to conceive, before you can test) would be while I’m on a family vacation to Colorado. It would be good for the soul, help me get my mind off of it, etc. So, per usual, I got naked from the waist down and placed my feet into the stirrups. “M” (I have the same nurse for all IVF stuff, so she knows my triscuit well and I feel like I should start calling her by name. Yes, I know that triscuit or a woven wheat cracker is not a super good analogy for my vagina, but I’ve got to start being more creative here.) delicately placed the ultrasound wand in the entrance to my warm, comforting womb.

As she was guiding it around, stopping at the important places, I noticed her hesitation on my right ovary. We spent some time circling it and measuring different black blobs. So, since I’ve now had 24 ultrasounds, I am aware of what they’re looking for – and, for the most part – how to recognize it myself. So, as I’ve mentioned previously, my left ovary is cantankerous from the get go, so what it does is fairly irrelevant.  So, after about 5ish (felt like forever) minutes of wanding, I was able to sit up, close my legs, and listen to the recapitulation.  M said that my right ovary was not really cooperating. I have two follicles that are bigger than they were when we were trying for egg retrieval last cycle.  Since I would still have 10+ days of stims, etc., ahead of me, this is terrible news. It seems like my body might go ahead and ovulate (even though I’ve been on birth control and WTF, how are these bigger than when I was on a shit ton of hormones) prior to us being able to properly stimulate. She stated that we cannot go forward this month. I said “okay.” She made some comments and offered some loving (or an appropriate synonym that a nurse would feel) words about how even though the hits keep coming, we can do this. She’s great, too. I’m not, in any way, downplaying how supportive this whole office is.

Anyway. This is why I try not to feel positive about these things. I’m truly devastated and can’t really explain it. I keep going through everything I’ve done bad in my life and trying to determine how I can make it better so I can stop being punished with this. Maybe that’s a good exercise anyway so I can make amends with everyone/everything, but I’m also secretly hoping it works to fix these issues. This really is not something I would wish on anyone.  It is the most isolating thing I’ve ever experienced.  Thank you all for letting me express myself. 🙂

The good:

I’m not dying. I do realize there are worst things. Next month might be better. I have friends who are willing to share their children with me. I have support.

So, instead of celebrating July 4th with injections and hormones, I will be ringing it in with wine.  It’s a weird thing for me to long for the days when I can’t have my wine.

Cheers & love.