I guess I should first of all apologize if my language offends anyone. I think that to have the most expansive vocabulary, you cannot restrict yourself from using certain words because that would just be limiting. 😉 Thanks to my parents who finally gave up on getting angry at me for cursing around the age of 15. Please replace mind fuck with any of the following synonyms if the meaning of the title is unclear: lucidity laceration or purpose perversion.
From a young age, I think that your period is, for the most part, an inconvenience. Yes, it doesn’t have to interfere with your daily life, but at the very least it adds another step to your day and at most, it can affect some people very greatly (in pain, emotional distress, etc.). As you get older, it means different things. Before this “journey” of trying to get pregnant, it was something that I welcomed as the signal that I wasn’t pregnant. I was younger, wasn’t married, and simply wasn’t attempting to conceive. I’m fully aware the only guarantee to not get pregnant is abstinence… or the realization that you can’t. Ha! I likely could have saved myself a little stress previously had I known that this was going to be my situation.
Anyway, now my period has turned into something I never want to see again. Every month, a little piece of my heart breaks and the feeling of failure becomes deeper. Even after knowing the information I found out this month, I still cannot help but think that it’s possible (yes, anything is possible). So, when my period is not extremely prompt (literally to the hour), it’s hard not to immediately think the “best.” Maybe I’m pregnant, that would be great! Maybe I was premature in writing this blog! Man, people are going to tell me that “relaxing” or writing this worked! I should take a pregnancy test before I have my wine tonight, I wouldn’t want to be irresponsible. Then, the pregnancy test is, of course, negative. So, I come back to reality and realize that it’s unlikely and I should calm down and continue living life normally. Then, one or two days later, I go through the same cycle. I’m certain that the other pregnancy test(s) were probably wrong and I definitely could be pregnant, so I go through the whole cycle again (before my Red Bull this AM) so as not to damage this non-existent baby with a flood of caffeine. Anyway, eventually, I’m sure this cycle will break and it will be a little less devastating, but until then, I will deal with my own little version of crazy every month.
It’s a bizarre thing to understand something but still not want to fully succumb to it. I guess that’s why hope exists and why happiness wouldn’t really exist without some counter emotion. I leave you with this conflicting image. My Hy-Vee purchases this morning were pregnancy tests, tampons, and Red Bull (the wine’s already at home). They must think I’m a very confused person….
XOXO. Happy Saturday!