I tend to like the phrase “In wine, there is happiness” rather than in vitro fertilization, so I’m going with that. I finally stopped neglecting my packet of information, akin to my AP US History study guides and opened up the “literature.” I’ve been avoiding looking at it because it terrifies me. Why? I don’t know. I always try to sort through the whole “fear” thing because I believe that fear (along with a couple other of feelings) is completely useless. It’s usually unwarranted, does nothing but hold the person back and prevents the person from growing.
I used to be scared constantly – it’s one of my family’s favorite things to talk about. I was scared to be away from them, scared of rides, scared of movies (scarred for life from Fern Gully), scared of rain, scared of the dark, etc.
My dad sat me down one day and said “Stop being a little bitch and grow up.” That did it. At the ripe age of 10, I knew that I couldn’t be this way any longer. Okay, of course this didn’t happen like this, so no one freak out (My dad is the kindest man in the world and would NEVER use the b word. Other words are fine, but he doesn’t dare risk being derogatory to women.). But, seriously, my parents talked to me about how my fear was likely holding me back from doing things I might want to do. I took it very seriously, even though I couldn’t always practice the implementation. (I was too scared for church camp and Shakespeare camp when I was significantly older.) Anyway, now I’m almost 30 and I’m able to realize that fear does nothing but hinders growth and development.
All that being said, I think it’s important to quantify what the fear actually is. When I went in for my third oral surgery (I had woken up during the second one), I was 21 and was hysterical in the waiting room. They asked me to sit in a separate room because I was scaring the kids, so that was lovely. When I finally got back there, they kept asking why I was scared of needles and telling me the pain wouldn’t be too bad. I continued to say that I don’t care about needles, I care about waking up during surgery and/or dying. They didn’t listen and kept trying to assuage my needle fears. This isn’t really relevant to the story, other than to say I was able to recognize my fears.
So, my fear with IVF and this fertility “journey” overall is that there is no assured destination. Yes, I’m fine with thinking of this as a journey, but I also know that the journey can get all the way to two feet in front of the destination, then stop. It’s like traveling from LA to NYC just to realize you forgot a bag, then going back to LA, and repeat. I’m being dramatic because I haven’t started IVF, so I can’t assume that it will not be successful on the first time, but it’s frustrating that you don’t know.
I love deadlines. I love problem solving. I love figuring out how to get from point A to point Z. But, if you can’t control your final journey, it makes you feel incredibly powerless. I like knowing my goals, putting in the work, and achieving them. This is the first time in my life (I think) where that is not the order of operations. So, I guess I’m scared of failure. Not in a selfish way because I don’t want to fail, but because of what it means. (Disclaimer for the disclaimer: please get used to me having disclaimers. While I might reiterate over and over that you shouldn’t judge me, I also know of the likely possibility of my words being misconstrued.) (Actual disclaimer: Yes, I know that to be a parent, I do not have to have biological children. I have always wanted to adopt and assume we still will. This is simply about the journey we have to creating our biological children.)
So, the literature. It’s intense and interesting. I am already feeling sympathetic to the people in my life that will have to deal with me on a daily basis super hopped up on different hormones. I will likely begin doing the first steps at the beginning of May, first with starting birth control as referenced in a previous entry. After that, I will start to do dual injections daily or twice (?) daily of hormones to increase egg production and also to suppress ovulation. After I’ve hopefully created a sustainable harvest, the doctor will stick a needle up me and suck out the eggs to create embryos. Yes, this is an incredibly simplistic and not really 100% correct explanation, but you get the point. I’m sure I will have many more details as the process continues.
I’m still scared. But, I suppose that’s life.
Cheers & love!